Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Raining again so decided to stay in door and practice guitar and read, had Japanese food for lunch extremely expensive, more expensive than in the states. Started to read “A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking, love the book by it is more complicated than I thought so many part I had to read twice. This trip I took a lot of time off and alone to think and reflect on many things, and asked myself what have I accomplished in the past few years. And I realized the answer is nothing. Sadly. I did not do well in school, and did not even graduate on time like I planned. I did not fix many of my bad habits like I promised and always procrasinated. Looking around all my childhood friend has grown up, many are already working and working hard. All my cousins around me are married and now have kids, it is weird because this year I have so many nephew and nieces, I used to dislike playing with kids, but this year I came back it's very different I love spending time with my nephew and niece, but they make me feel old. Life isn't as simple as it used to be for us, I remember in elementary school all we worried about were playing and some homework. But with more knowledge in life and more experiences, slowly we mature but now we have more things to worry about. For the past few years I never realized, but now when I look back I realized the people around me were always there for me to push me to become somebody better but I was too busy trying to enjoy the moment. Of course it is not wrong to enjoy the moment, but there's a thin line between enjoying the moment and losing the sense of purpose in life, and I think for years I lost myself. I spend much time during the day thinking about the wrongs I did in the past, but many things I regret but cannot change. But if I can fulfill my own goal and promises in the future, I would be happy. I guess in the end we all have to grow up sometimes and my time is now.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Today is gloomy unlike the past couple days, last night it was raining for a short period of time but forecast say that the next three days there will be heavy rain, and suggested the residents in the city to stay in door as much as possible, I guess this means I will stay home. Did not sleep well at all yesterday, kept having dreams again, and woke up in the middle of the night. Wrote a long letter to her, as expected no answer. I think this is it. I tried.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

    It has been two weeks since I came back. My plan of going to Hong Kong and Beijing is cancelled because there is typhoon in Hong Kong and Beijing is flooded, everyone please be safe. Finally can say I quit smoking, sometime I do get some withdraw symptoms and want to smoke but I stopped myself everytime. First step to actual change. Family has being by my side all throughout these days even though I hardly want to go out. Today we ate lamb for the third day in a row, the style is like a restaurant me and her used to go to, but somehow I think the lamb soup is better back in Rowland. Saw some family friends today, everybodies kids are in different states in the states it's kinda funny. Still no answer from her, maybe I shouldn't do any of this anymore. But I think since I made the mistake I should try to fix it to the best I can, even if it didn't work. Mom is seriously worried called twice today, sometime I don't think my parents even look at my facebook but she saw my posts and asked if I was okay, I laughed it off saying it's all good. I miss the days when family can all sit together and have dinner. Anyways, time for some reading and sleep.

Friday, July 27, 2012

No Clue

    It's been almost two weeks since I came back. And it has been two years since I last came back things sure have changed. The friends I grew up with next door are all getting old. Darren from 4th floor is already 28 and is going to get married with his girlfriend, Joey from 5th floor just graduated from some collge in New York and wants to do masters now. Another friend who is 27 just got married. I came back to escape from my own life drama but find that very hard.
    I don't know if God is torturing me but I've been having dreams of her every single day ever since I came back and I mean every single day. I guess the harder I try to forget about her the worse it gets. Today I feel the worst than any other day, a friend saw my sad status and messaged me saying, "you need to move on man, she has already, she's already talking about her future bf and husband, why are you still lingering on?"
    I didn't know how to answer this question, so I logged off and thought all night. I saw something recently on TV, it's about an interview of a old couple who are in their 70s, when asked the old lady told the interviewer, "to love a person you must also love their shortcomings." Easier said than done, to fall in love with someone's shortcomings is extremely hard because deep inside why all hope our significant other act in the way that we want. For me, I know I wanted to. Towards the end of the school year, we argued, and argued now that I think back I don't even remember what about, but I just know I was not happy at all. To take my anger out I smoked and drank and hid all this from her. I tried explaining to her before she left for good, that I did not have any relationship with the girl but she would not believe me. I took her out and all I talked about was my gf, I told her and vented to her many problems and she listened, I guess I was happy that someone could finally listen and understand me. But never did I like her nor did I want to have a relationship with her.
    So why? Why can't I move on? The sun is already up and I still didn't sleep. Then I realized, I am not going to let this misunderstanding and and stupid mistake ruin everything, but I just did not want to give up. But the problem is she has moved on. I haven't gone out for days, searching for an answer, and even wrote to her even though I shouldn't. Do I regret? Yes. I regret to let this stupidity to ended things so suddenly. But what should I do? I have no clue, no clue at all. I just know that no matter what I will love her, I've done many wrongs in the past and to let her be happy while I'm miserable is something I must endure. It is the last thing I can do and the best.

Monday, July 2, 2012

I think when it comes to relationship, I am not so good with it or maybe it is just not meant to be. All this time I only loved on girl, but sadly I cannot be together with her. Things ended so suddenly, I feel like I didn't even have to time to explain, or talk, or say anything. Before I come back to sense, everything was already over, she was long gone and me, just sitting in my empty room. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't even know if I will ever see her again. But if the world does end tonight, I will tell her that I still love her very much. But til then I guess I will have just march on by myself.