Mon 2012-9-3 Sunny

该说的都说了，
我自己怎么想的，
想怎么做也都表明了。
可还是不行。
何必自己受苦呢？
不知道。
我觉得我试了，每个人都有空虚和寂寞的时候。
每个人都有犯错的时候。
也许她不会原谅我。
算了，人生就是这样。
我还是好好的走自己的路吧。

8/23/12 Clear Sky

Came back to the city this morning, decided to finally get out of the house and go watch a movie. Outside, I realized there are so many couples out on the street today, many couples are dressed up. Girls holding flowers and gifts, something is going on. Finally got onto the taxi. The driver told me today is the Chinese Valentines Day, then he asked, "Where to?"
I said, "Luxin Movie Theatre."
He smiled and answered, "Okay, watching a movie with your girlfriend?"
I paused for a little then replied, "No, by myself."
Then followed a 15 minutes silent and awkard ride to the theater.
Happy Valentines Day.

Asked if I regret, yes I do regret, everyday, every minute and every second. Asked if I thought I was wrong, yes what I did was the wrong and was a stupid mistake. Asked if I still love her, I do, and I always did, and I always will. Seems crazy, seems wrong, seems like I only say it because I am used to it. No, I only said it because I mean it. This is it. "Good morning, in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night."

Monday 8-6-12 Sunny

After the heavy rain yesterday, the sun finally came out, but many places were flooded. Just bought first class ticket to go back to grandmas, her birthday is tomorrow. Weighed myself, after a month of eating healthy and working out, I gained 12 lbs, and the workout is starting to show a little result. At least 10 more lbs to go and gotta work out more, working out is not easy but at least all this eating and working out is paying off.

Sunday 8-5-2012 Storm

Just came back from grandma's in Gaomi, right after we got back the long awaited storm started. The storm is very strong, strong rain and wind is hitting the windows making loud noises. The internet connection is on and off, could barely stay online. I guess I will have to stay home these couple of days and rest, not sure if I can go back to grandma's for her birthday the day after tomorrow. It was my aunt's 60th birthday yesterday, everyone was happy to gather around and eat, uncle got super drunk and talked talked for awhile haha. Everyone asked about her, even my grandma who does not remember things as well as before. But I didn't have the heart to tell them just said she has work. Insomnia is back, had so many dreams but can't remember what they were, I just remember the last bit of my dream. I was debating and I called her, she picked up. Then my Dad yelled, "Wake up!" So woke up I did. Good to hear her voice again, wherever she is hope she is doing well.

Being thinking about ideas of how to decorate our apartment in here, and since we have both six and seventh I think turning upstairs into another small apartment is a good idea. The marble floor is getting old and because of the heat had to replace a couple already. But since we got so much furniture gotta wait for awhile. This summer feels so much different than last summer, the situation here is very different. In terms of politics, the support for government is so low people are more and more angry, and meanwhile the internal people are fighting each other, sometime literally, just to get to a higher position. The fall will come soon, and it is derserved. But maybe not in the near future, but chaos will come in the future for sure, you can take my words for it.

Raining again so decided to stay in door and practice guitar and read, had Japanese food for lunch extremely expensive, more expensive than in the states. Started to read “A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking, love the book by it is more complicated than I thought so many part I had to read twice. This trip I took a lot of time off and alone to think and reflect on many things, and asked myself what have I accomplished in the past few years. And I realized the answer is nothing. Sadly. I did not do well in school, and did not even graduate on time like I planned. I did not fix many of my bad habits like I promised and always procrasinated. Looking around all my childhood friend has grown up, many are already working and working hard. All my cousins around me are married and now have kids, it is weird because this year I have so many nephew and nieces, I used to dislike playing with kids, but this year I came back it's very different I love spending time with my nephew and niece, but they make me feel old. Life isn't as simple as it used to be for us, I remember in elementary school all we worried about were playing and some homework. But with more knowledge in life and more experiences, slowly we mature but now we have more things to worry about. For the past few years I never realized, but now when I look back I realized the people around me were always there for me to push me to become somebody better but I was too busy trying to enjoy the moment. Of course it is not wrong to enjoy the moment, but there's a thin line between enjoying the moment and losing the sense of purpose in life, and I think for years I lost myself. I spend much time during the day thinking about the wrongs I did in the past, but many things I regret but cannot change. But if I can fulfill my own goal and promises in the future, I would be happy. I guess in the end we all have to grow up sometimes and my time is now.