What are we? Cannot complain to her about how I feel, just gotta be strong and carry on.

Insomnia as usual, don't know if she still loves me, I guess only time can tell.

Reading some of her letters from way back, the stuff that she said to me, some happy, some sad, some appreciative some mad. I don't know why when I read the letters now, it is so touching, every letter is filled with feelings from her the bottom of her heart. Where was I all these years? And what was I doing? Now looking back, everything was a blur, I don't remember what happened or what I did before to cause all this, what's worse is I don't even remember the reason. It's as if I was a different person, it's as if God has healed my blindness to let me see clearly again. Whatever it maybe, I must make up for what I did, I can swallow all the pain or hold all the tears, seeing her happy is all I want.

Valentine 2011

Mm Valentine 2011, another year. Woke up I feel depressed already, not in a good mood because this Valentine I won't be spending with her, and the truth is I still feel hurt recently, and I feel even more sad especially this day of the year. Went to hang out, but a friend said things that was making me upset. So I needed a drive, 2:30AM I hit friend that was awake at Riverside and left to go to Idyllwild, when I came back I felt much better because this drive really helped me to take my mind off of things. But a good friend of mine got upset because I didn't invite him to the drive. But I did comment on his facebook asking where he was, and I also told him to hit me up if he is in town. I was shocked at his reaction, but I texted him and as expected he is very angry. I don't get what did I do that was wrong, I asked my friend and myself to confirm, but truth is it killed me day, and that was 4AM what a way to start off the day. Nevertheless, I do not want to lose a good friend over a misunderstanding. And I still miss her, toast to everyone, and good night.

Gas is getting more and more expensive these days, $60 to fill up my little car. Also went to the Blaine car wash today, I guess I usually go during night when no one is there, but during day is a different story. To sum it up, it was sketchy as fuck, I'm guess the dude next to me must be tired from car wash, pulled out of a blunt and smoked it lol, only in Riverside. Insomnia is getting worse these couple weeks, finally got my hands on some Ambien CR, I was able to sleep very good yesterday, next week is gonna be another stressful and busy week, just hope the side effect of Ambien does not kick in too much next week.

說實話不知道還有沒有人讀我的博客，好久沒寫東西了。也許有時候我並不希望別人讀我寫的東西，但是又有一種說不出來的感覺好像我一定要在什麽地方把感受寫下來。最近心裏一直覺得很空虛，失眠已經變成了我生活的一部分，可能是自己失去了目標，也不知道自己到底想要的是什麽。身邊很多人爲錢所困，但我並想追求物質和錢的快樂，只是想真真切切的和我的另一半過著平凡的日子，能找到自己的知己真的是很難。但人不能沒有渴望，一旦沒有了渴望，什麽夢想都實現不了。努力吧。