Mon 2012-9-3 Sunny

该说的都说了，
我自己怎么想的，
想怎么做也都表明了。
可还是不行。
何必自己受苦呢？
不知道。
我觉得我试了，每个人都有空虚和寂寞的时候。
每个人都有犯错的时候。
也许她不会原谅我。
算了，人生就是这样。
我还是好好的走自己的路吧。

8/23/12 Clear Sky

Came back to the city this morning, decided to finally get out of the house and go watch a movie. Outside, I realized there are so many couples out on the street today, many couples are dressed up. Girls holding flowers and gifts, something is going on. Finally got onto the taxi. The driver told me today is the Chinese Valentines Day, then he asked, "Where to?"
I said, "Luxin Movie Theatre."
He smiled and answered, "Okay, watching a movie with your girlfriend?"
I paused for a little then replied, "No, by myself."
Then followed a 15 minutes silent and awkard ride to the theater.
Happy Valentines Day.

Asked if I regret, yes I do regret, everyday, every minute and every second. Asked if I thought I was wrong, yes what I did was the wrong and was a stupid mistake. Asked if I still love her, I do, and I always did, and I always will. Seems crazy, seems wrong, seems like I only say it because I am used to it. No, I only said it because I mean it. This is it. "Good morning, in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night."

Monday 8-6-12 Sunny

After the heavy rain yesterday, the sun finally came out, but many places were flooded. Just bought first class ticket to go back to grandmas, her birthday is tomorrow. Weighed myself, after a month of eating healthy and working out, I gained 12 lbs, and the workout is starting to show a little result. At least 10 more lbs to go and gotta work out more, working out is not easy but at least all this eating and working out is paying off.

Sunday 8-5-2012 Storm

Just came back from grandma's in Gaomi, right after we got back the long awaited storm started. The storm is very strong, strong rain and wind is hitting the windows making loud noises. The internet connection is on and off, could barely stay online. I guess I will have to stay home these couple of days and rest, not sure if I can go back to grandma's for her birthday the day after tomorrow. It was my aunt's 60th birthday yesterday, everyone was happy to gather around and eat, uncle got super drunk and talked talked for awhile haha. Everyone asked about her, even my grandma who does not remember things as well as before. But I didn't have the heart to tell them just said she has work. Insomnia is back, had so many dreams but can't remember what they were, I just remember the last bit of my dream. I was debating and I called her, she picked up. Then my Dad yelled, "Wake up!" So woke up I did. Good to hear her voice again, wherever she is hope she is doing well.

Being thinking about ideas of how to decorate our apartment in here, and since we have both six and seventh I think turning upstairs into another small apartment is a good idea. The marble floor is getting old and because of the heat had to replace a couple already. But since we got so much furniture gotta wait for awhile. This summer feels so much different than last summer, the situation here is very different. In terms of politics, the support for government is so low people are more and more angry, and meanwhile the internal people are fighting each other, sometime literally, just to get to a higher position. The fall will come soon, and it is derserved. But maybe not in the near future, but chaos will come in the future for sure, you can take my words for it.

Raining again so decided to stay in door and practice guitar and read, had Japanese food for lunch extremely expensive, more expensive than in the states. Started to read “A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking, love the book by it is more complicated than I thought so many part I had to read twice. This trip I took a lot of time off and alone to think and reflect on many things, and asked myself what have I accomplished in the past few years. And I realized the answer is nothing. Sadly. I did not do well in school, and did not even graduate on time like I planned. I did not fix many of my bad habits like I promised and always procrasinated. Looking around all my childhood friend has grown up, many are already working and working hard. All my cousins around me are married and now have kids, it is weird because this year I have so many nephew and nieces, I used to dislike playing with kids, but this year I came back it's very different I love spending time with my nephew and niece, but they make me feel old. Life isn't as simple as it used to be for us, I remember in elementary school all we worried about were playing and some homework. But with more knowledge in life and more experiences, slowly we mature but now we have more things to worry about. For the past few years I never realized, but now when I look back I realized the people around me were always there for me to push me to become somebody better but I was too busy trying to enjoy the moment. Of course it is not wrong to enjoy the moment, but there's a thin line between enjoying the moment and losing the sense of purpose in life, and I think for years I lost myself. I spend much time during the day thinking about the wrongs I did in the past, but many things I regret but cannot change. But if I can fulfill my own goal and promises in the future, I would be happy. I guess in the end we all have to grow up sometimes and my time is now.

Today is gloomy unlike the past couple days, last night it was raining for a short period of time but forecast say that the next three days there will be heavy rain, and suggested the residents in the city to stay in door as much as possible, I guess this means I will stay home. Did not sleep well at all yesterday, kept having dreams again, and woke up in the middle of the night. Wrote a long letter to her, as expected no answer. I think this is it. I tried.

    It has been two weeks since I came back. My plan of going to Hong Kong and Beijing is cancelled because there is typhoon in Hong Kong and Beijing is flooded, everyone please be safe. Finally can say I quit smoking, sometime I do get some withdraw symptoms and want to smoke but I stopped myself everytime. First step to actual change. Family has being by my side all throughout these days even though I hardly want to go out. Today we ate lamb for the third day in a row, the style is like a restaurant me and her used to go to, but somehow I think the lamb soup is better back in Rowland. Saw some family friends today, everybodies kids are in different states in the states it's kinda funny. Still no answer from her, maybe I shouldn't do any of this anymore. But I think since I made the mistake I should try to fix it to the best I can, even if it didn't work. Mom is seriously worried called twice today, sometime I don't think my parents even look at my facebook but she saw my posts and asked if I was okay, I laughed it off saying it's all good. I miss the days when family can all sit together and have dinner. Anyways, time for some reading and sleep.

No Clue

    It's been almost two weeks since I came back. And it has been two years since I last came back things sure have changed. The friends I grew up with next door are all getting old. Darren from 4th floor is already 28 and is going to get married with his girlfriend, Joey from 5th floor just graduated from some collge in New York and wants to do masters now. Another friend who is 27 just got married. I came back to escape from my own life drama but find that very hard.
    I don't know if God is torturing me but I've been having dreams of her every single day ever since I came back and I mean every single day. I guess the harder I try to forget about her the worse it gets. Today I feel the worst than any other day, a friend saw my sad status and messaged me saying, "you need to move on man, she has already, she's already talking about her future bf and husband, why are you still lingering on?"
    I didn't know how to answer this question, so I logged off and thought all night. I saw something recently on TV, it's about an interview of a old couple who are in their 70s, when asked the old lady told the interviewer, "to love a person you must also love their shortcomings." Easier said than done, to fall in love with someone's shortcomings is extremely hard because deep inside why all hope our significant other act in the way that we want. For me, I know I wanted to. Towards the end of the school year, we argued, and argued now that I think back I don't even remember what about, but I just know I was not happy at all. To take my anger out I smoked and drank and hid all this from her. I tried explaining to her before she left for good, that I did not have any relationship with the girl but she would not believe me. I took her out and all I talked about was my gf, I told her and vented to her many problems and she listened, I guess I was happy that someone could finally listen and understand me. But never did I like her nor did I want to have a relationship with her.
    So why? Why can't I move on? The sun is already up and I still didn't sleep. Then I realized, I am not going to let this misunderstanding and and stupid mistake ruin everything, but I just did not want to give up. But the problem is she has moved on. I haven't gone out for days, searching for an answer, and even wrote to her even though I shouldn't. Do I regret? Yes. I regret to let this stupidity to ended things so suddenly. But what should I do? I have no clue, no clue at all. I just know that no matter what I will love her, I've done many wrongs in the past and to let her be happy while I'm miserable is something I must endure. It is the last thing I can do and the best.

I think when it comes to relationship, I am not so good with it or maybe it is just not meant to be. All this time I only loved on girl, but sadly I cannot be together with her. Things ended so suddenly, I feel like I didn't even have to time to explain, or talk, or say anything. Before I come back to sense, everything was already over, she was long gone and me, just sitting in my empty room. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't even know if I will ever see her again. But if the world does end tonight, I will tell her that I still love her very much. But til then I guess I will have just march on by myself.

有时候心里说不出来的痛才是最深的伤
不是说我埋怨的多而是想让你知道我有多爱你
不是说你回复我有多慢而是想和你多说两句
不是说你不说实话而是想了解你的全部
不是说你粗心大意而是想让你也来珍惜这段感情
不是要对你有更多要求而是让你知道你对我有多重要
你也许知道但也许不知道
流的泪我都一直默默地咽了回去
不想让你看到不开心的一面，我宁愿暗地里自己哭
也不想让你心情不好
只想有一天你能明白我的爱

Somtimes, I feel our world is so corrupted, if there's a source pushing the world to destruction, it is none other than ourselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnyksaqr7w0

Everyone that goes to UCR should watch this video, shows a lot about how our school operates and the situations that not only us the students face but some of our staff. I urge whomever that have to ability to join me and help. I know that the school's lack of fund and communication is not helping, but with our help we can fix this problem, and hope that it can trigger more people to help. I myself will be donating one thousand dollars to help the school to fix the green house problem, if you are interested in donating or helping please email me at dennis7990@gmail.com

Jealousy over nothing in the end cost us everything, I tried so no regrets, gotta look forward now, whatever happens, tomorrow is a new day.

Come and Support!
I will be DJing & MCing, free food, games, entertainment all day long.
Join us, together we will fight cancer.

What are we? Cannot complain to her about how I feel, just gotta be strong and carry on.

Insomnia as usual, don't know if she still loves me, I guess only time can tell.

Reading some of her letters from way back, the stuff that she said to me, some happy, some sad, some appreciative some mad. I don't know why when I read the letters now, it is so touching, every letter is filled with feelings from her the bottom of her heart. Where was I all these years? And what was I doing? Now looking back, everything was a blur, I don't remember what happened or what I did before to cause all this, what's worse is I don't even remember the reason. It's as if I was a different person, it's as if God has healed my blindness to let me see clearly again. Whatever it maybe, I must make up for what I did, I can swallow all the pain or hold all the tears, seeing her happy is all I want.