Today is gloomy unlike the past couple days, last night it was raining for a short period of time but forecast say that the next three days there will be heavy rain, and suggested the residents in the city to stay in door as much as possible, I guess this means I will stay home. Did not sleep well at all yesterday, kept having dreams again, and woke up in the middle of the night. Wrote a long letter to her, as expected no answer. I think this is it. I tried.

    It has been two weeks since I came back. My plan of going to Hong Kong and Beijing is cancelled because there is typhoon in Hong Kong and Beijing is flooded, everyone please be safe. Finally can say I quit smoking, sometime I do get some withdraw symptoms and want to smoke but I stopped myself everytime. First step to actual change. Family has being by my side all throughout these days even though I hardly want to go out. Today we ate lamb for the third day in a row, the style is like a restaurant me and her used to go to, but somehow I think the lamb soup is better back in Rowland. Saw some family friends today, everybodies kids are in different states in the states it's kinda funny. Still no answer from her, maybe I shouldn't do any of this anymore. But I think since I made the mistake I should try to fix it to the best I can, even if it didn't work. Mom is seriously worried called twice today, sometime I don't think my parents even look at my facebook but she saw my posts and asked if I was okay, I laughed it off saying it's all good. I miss the days when family can all sit together and have dinner. Anyways, time for some reading and sleep.

No Clue

    It's been almost two weeks since I came back. And it has been two years since I last came back things sure have changed. The friends I grew up with next door are all getting old. Darren from 4th floor is already 28 and is going to get married with his girlfriend, Joey from 5th floor just graduated from some collge in New York and wants to do masters now. Another friend who is 27 just got married. I came back to escape from my own life drama but find that very hard.
    I don't know if God is torturing me but I've been having dreams of her every single day ever since I came back and I mean every single day. I guess the harder I try to forget about her the worse it gets. Today I feel the worst than any other day, a friend saw my sad status and messaged me saying, "you need to move on man, she has already, she's already talking about her future bf and husband, why are you still lingering on?"
    I didn't know how to answer this question, so I logged off and thought all night. I saw something recently on TV, it's about an interview of a old couple who are in their 70s, when asked the old lady told the interviewer, "to love a person you must also love their shortcomings." Easier said than done, to fall in love with someone's shortcomings is extremely hard because deep inside why all hope our significant other act in the way that we want. For me, I know I wanted to. Towards the end of the school year, we argued, and argued now that I think back I don't even remember what about, but I just know I was not happy at all. To take my anger out I smoked and drank and hid all this from her. I tried explaining to her before she left for good, that I did not have any relationship with the girl but she would not believe me. I took her out and all I talked about was my gf, I told her and vented to her many problems and she listened, I guess I was happy that someone could finally listen and understand me. But never did I like her nor did I want to have a relationship with her.
    So why? Why can't I move on? The sun is already up and I still didn't sleep. Then I realized, I am not going to let this misunderstanding and and stupid mistake ruin everything, but I just did not want to give up. But the problem is she has moved on. I haven't gone out for days, searching for an answer, and even wrote to her even though I shouldn't. Do I regret? Yes. I regret to let this stupidity to ended things so suddenly. But what should I do? I have no clue, no clue at all. I just know that no matter what I will love her, I've done many wrongs in the past and to let her be happy while I'm miserable is something I must endure. It is the last thing I can do and the best.

I think when it comes to relationship, I am not so good with it or maybe it is just not meant to be. All this time I only loved on girl, but sadly I cannot be together with her. Things ended so suddenly, I feel like I didn't even have to time to explain, or talk, or say anything. Before I come back to sense, everything was already over, she was long gone and me, just sitting in my empty room. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't even know if I will ever see her again. But if the world does end tonight, I will tell her that I still love her very much. But til then I guess I will have just march on by myself.

有时候心里说不出来的痛才是最深的伤
不是说我埋怨的多而是想让你知道我有多爱你
不是说你回复我有多慢而是想和你多说两句
不是说你不说实话而是想了解你的全部
不是说你粗心大意而是想让你也来珍惜这段感情
不是要对你有更多要求而是让你知道你对我有多重要
你也许知道但也许不知道
流的泪我都一直默默地咽了回去
不想让你看到不开心的一面，我宁愿暗地里自己哭
也不想让你心情不好
只想有一天你能明白我的爱

Somtimes, I feel our world is so corrupted, if there's a source pushing the world to destruction, it is none other than ourselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnyksaqr7w0

Everyone that goes to UCR should watch this video, shows a lot about how our school operates and the situations that not only us the students face but some of our staff. I urge whomever that have to ability to join me and help. I know that the school's lack of fund and communication is not helping, but with our help we can fix this problem, and hope that it can trigger more people to help. I myself will be donating one thousand dollars to help the school to fix the green house problem, if you are interested in donating or helping please email me at dennis7990@gmail.com